Single People Have Cooties

By Brad Ramsay

People are more comfortable with even numbers. Noah took animals two by two. All tables come with an even number of chairs. The recommendations for aspirin are generally two pills. Vehicles either have two or four wheel drive. Why? Because ones and threes make us uncomfortable. I think it started in caveman times when Krog was born with three balls, and he was burnt alive when fire was discovered.

This is why we need to ostracize and contain all “oddballs” or single people. They should be rounded up and put into camps.

I’m pretty sure that single people are responsible for 9/11, and I’ve heard that Freddie Mac and Fanny Mae are single and responsible for the housing market crisis. The United States once made the mistake of electing a single man as president. It was a disaster and led directly to the Civil War. It’s true. You can look it up.

I was single until fairly recently (I bolded and italicised “was” because I wanted to emphasize it). Singles are just bad, bad people. They can’t be trusted. They have shifty eyes. They are creepy loners really. They could be in relationships if they really wanted to, but that might soften their hearts and ruin their plans to be awkward and make people in relationships uncomfortable.

The advice that my married friends always gave me (when I was a creepy single person), “Go out and meet people.” I’d never really thought about doing that before. It changed my life. It was so simple. I felt stupid that I wasn’t introducing myself to random strangers. (You’re supposed to do these sorts of desperate antics when you’re single. Being roofied and murdered is preferable to singledom)

I recently went through an intervention and “unsinglified” myself. It’s a lot like an exorcism. Afterwards, it takes a lot of counseling, and there will be tears. My brain basically had to be retrained to think “normal” thoughts. However, I now know the truth.

Single. People. Are. Gross.

The problem is that television romanticizes them. The television show Friends made being single and young in New York seem like a never ending cavalcade dating models, hanging out with friends, and lesbian weddings. In truth, all single people in New York are heroin addicts, and they spit on children.

Any time there a single person on television, there will always be an attractive single person that moves in next door or sexual tension with that woman in an unhappy relationship at the office. Basically, it has to prove that the single characters won’t be single for long, or they’d be, you know, weird. (i.e. on heroin and spitting on children)

Single people are mostly ostracized from society. Sure, there are some that still have the audacity to eat alone in restaurants (instead of getting food to go and crawling back inside their hole) or see movies in theaters, but for the most part, they know their place. They are only allowed out after dark on Friday and Saturday nights desperately searching for someone that can save them from being a lonely weirdo (the heroin and children spitting thing is implied now, right?).

I don’t want to sound racist or anything, but just because I know single people exist, it doesn’t mean I want to see them. I don’t think there are laws banning single people from voting or owning property, but maybe it is worth looking into. (I hear that if we slowly strip away their rights, people won’t speak up.) At the very least, single people should have to wear something like stars on their clothes so that normal people in relationships can spot them far away and avoid them. (I’m just spit-balling here. I’m going to read Mein Kampf later to get some better ideas.)

Until the stars are sewn into their clothes, we (normal people in relationships) will have to deal with single people occasionally. If you already know they are single, you are obligated to ask if they are dating anyone yet.

–If they say “yes,” you are allowed to smile and pat them on the back (women are allowed to hug each other). However, don’t get drawn into their web. They could be dumped as early as tomorrow.

–If they say “no,” you are allowed to extend sincere pity their way. If that makes you feel awkward, fake a phone call. Tell them your phone is on vibrate, and it is very quiet.

If a new acquaintance comes out to you as single, the appropriate response is to tilt your head slightly to the left and wistfully sigh that they’ll meet someone. Then, you run away from that person. Run away so they don’t infect you with their single person stank.

Happy Valentine’s Day

That’s all.

B-rad