Dear Prospective Employer

Thank you for taking the time to read my name off your list of hopeful employees. Thank you for noticing that I have a large gap in my employment history, and thank you for thanking me for my time.

I realize that my college education makes me overqualified for jobs that list high school diploma or GED as a requirement. It warms my heart to know that an 18 year old child with zero experience in anything is more employable than I am. It makes me feel like I’ve accomplished so much in the last 16 years of my life. Do you want to hire the teenager because you can boss him or her around? I’m the youngest in a family of six. I’ve been bossed around my whole life. I prefer to be bossed around unless you are looking for a self-starter in which case, I’m good at motivating myself.  Also, the last word that I’d use to describe me is wishy washy.

What exactly is your problem with me? I saved money. I had no debt. Why is a gap in employment history such a deal breaker with you? I was trying (unsuccessfully) to jump start a writing career. I thought if I tried hard enough that I could somehow monetize my skewed worldview. It didn’t work out for me. I’m sorry. I had no idea that it would ruin my future chances with you. If I could go back and get unlaid off from my previous full-time job, I so would.

I’m assuming that the gap in employment history makes me sound lazy. I’ll have you know that I lived on my own, paid my own rent and bills, and still managed to buy groceries for most of the last few years. Sure, I was passively looking for work, but I felt that I could be choosy. I was hoping that I wouldn’t have to resort to cleaning up puke at Chuck E. Cheese. I still don’t yet, but tomorrow is another day.

I wish I could tell you that I’m smart without coming off as an ego maniac. People actually have told me that I’m smart and not in a condescending way. I am so smart that I can usually do simple tasks such as typing, writing, transcribing, answering (and dialing!) phones, filing, fixing computer bugs, ordering supplies, driving, using a wide variety of Microsoft Office programs, lifting over 100 lbs. right over my head, and I do play some piano. I’m not going to lie to you. The songs that I play on the piano are “Heart and Soul” as well as “Mary Had a Little Lamb.”

I know. I know. In the competitive job market of approximately $9.00/hr. there are people who are better fits for your organization. Meth addicts, felons, blind deaf mutes, the severely concussed, the Taliban, infants, quadriplegics, Satan worshippers, coma patients, and people with face tattoos are just more employable.

Honestly prospective employer, I wish you’d shorten your online application. I know you use these to weed out people, but I’ve filled out roughly 200 of those things in the last few years. You know if you are going to interview me in the first two pages of that 20-page application, but you don’t care. You’re the one with the coveted job opportunity answering phones at H&R Block so it is your right to force me to spend an hour and a half writing an essay on why I would excel at this job.

Do you know what the most discouraging part of this whole situation is? I would be good at your job, and I would show up every day on time, wearing appropriate clothing, and smelling like I had excellent hygiene. I’d work for you so hard, and I’d probably use my brainpower to help improve things and save you money. However, I look like shit on paper, and I must interview for crap too. In these last few years out of approximately 200 applications, I have had 3 interviews. Guess how many of those jobs I got? Zero.

Look, I know that I’m not the easiest person to employ. I have responsibilities so I can’t work on Saturdays after 2 p.m because finding child care on Saturday evenings via Craigslist is not something that I am comfortable doing. I’ll work any shift Sunday through Friday. I’d like to point out that I rarely get sick, and I’m almost never contagious so there is no reason why I’ll ever need a sick day.

Do I have your attention yet? Is my story pathetic enough yet? Well, my last full time job was a nightmare. I worked for an evil woman. She called my time there a probationary period, and she made all these plans for me, but one day she decided that she didn’t want a man in the office. She hadn’t had a male in her office in close to five years, and she let me go so my last job lasted for 90 days from January 2012 to March 2012. Can I tell you that she was a witch without looking bitter? Can I tell you how she always brought her kids to work, and expected employees to be her personal daycare and still do their duties without looking unprofessional? Can I tell you that she brought in one of her best friends to “volunteer” and then a week later decided that my services were no long needed without looking like a dick? It was a horrible time. I worked over 50+ hours each week giving my all for that organization, but all I got was the ability to put on my resume that I got fired.

My job before that was teaching at a middle school. I enjoyed teaching. I worked with great people! Guess what? The economy went to shit, and my job got cut. These are the reasons that I’ve not been at a job for more than 2 years. I suppose you can blame me for the failing economy, and if you do, I totally understand why you don’t want to hire me.

All right, I know what your next question is. Why aren’t you teaching somewhere else? That is what you are licensed in. Good question, no, great question, I am not teaching and have no plans to teach because no one will hire me for a teaching job either. Also, I got into teaching for job security, and you see how well that worked out for me. I was a great teacher too. I have excellent references. Do you want to see them?

I know. Life is not fair, and we are all struggling. America is no longer the same America where my parents grew up. There are no purple mountain majesties or fruited plains. There are just government bailouts and white collar criminals.

I’ll probably be cleaning up puke at Chuck E. Cheese the next time we talk. It won’t be much, but I’m sure you’re thinking, “at least it is something.”

Sincerely,

Brad, The Discouraged.